


The Kissing Booth Has Vampires In It

by IsleofSolitude, marcosburlybiceps



Category: Dorina Basarab Series - Karen Chance, The Kissing Booth (2018)
Genre: F/M, Humor, Parody, expect bitterness and snark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-10-29 04:03:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17800721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IsleofSolitude/pseuds/IsleofSolitude, https://archiveofourown.org/users/marcosburlybiceps/pseuds/marcosburlybiceps
Summary: A silly fic born from watching The Kissing Booth together. The movie that pushed us to drink. Our favorite characters are now teenagers confronting body changes, hormonal interest in each other, death of a loved one, and eventual uncomfortable montages.Unfortunately, for plot reasons, he did not make sure his pants fit his impressive rack---yes, rack. Draw what conclusions you will. It will still make sense more than this movie did--and the lucky pants that got to touch LC’s naughty areas died in bliss.





	1. Chapter 1

“Your sister is hot.” LC stretches his legs out even further on the pool chair. He's almost off the chair. Oh no!

“Your mother or father just died. You shouldn't be horny right now, best friend of my life.” Christine snarks with concern.

The gorgeous LA sun is beating down on them while they lie next to LC's disgustingly wealthy family pool. Why are they outside when they're both vampires? Don't ask questions.

“Are you excited and or nervous about our first day of high school tomorrow as sophomores or was it juniors?”

LC wipes his brow demurely, “I'm too busy being upset over my mother or father's recent death.”

Christine nods sagely.

“But, now that I think about it, I am a little worried. I didn't do my laundry recently. There may be a wardrobe mishap tomorrow that I will be unprepared for.”

The sound of running feet interrupts them before a giant splash of pool water soaks them both. LC shrieks in surprise. Christine is surprised, but cooler about it. Dory, Christine's older sister, pops her head out of the water with a manic grin.

“Wow, LC, you've grown an impressive rack this summer.”

Christine jumps up and towards the diving board. “Neither of you are allowed to be attracted to each other! Remember the set of arbitrary rules we came up with as children or something to keep the peace between our best friendship!”

Dory had removed herself from the pool before Christine started talking. Her abs have abs. LC wants to lick her lower belly in a PC teenager way. Christine also jumps into the pool. Despite being taller than Dory, her splash is less impressive. LC watches Dory dry off and imagines all the ways he could make her wet again.

“Have you gotten over the tragic slow death of your mother or maybe father by a mysterious illness yet?” Dory asks, slightly ruining LC's fun. She always struggles with flirting.

LC avoids his pain by also jumping into the pool. He can't move his interest in Dory forward without emotional intimacy and he did promise Christine nine years ago that he wouldn't try to bang Dory. An entirely reasonable promise for two seven year olds or three hundred year olds to make. How old are they again? Don't question it.

Christine splashes her sister. “Grow a brain instead of boobs. You can’t ask LC questions that make him brood or think, it distracts him from valuing our friendship.”

Dory laughs, and pokes LC in his impressive rack. “Have a good first day of school, dweebs. Don’t talk to me.”

Christine flips her off, LC manages to distract himself from his angst by tilting his head to admire her as she walks away. But he wouldn’t say anything, due to rules that were outdated decades or months ago.

 

* * *

 

Most people treat the first day of school as an important event. LC, in theory, should have been one of those people. He knew about putting his best foot forward, so to speak, from not only fencing but also from his father. 

Unfortunately, for plot reasons, he did not make sure his pants fit his impressive rack---yes, rack. Draw what conclusions you will. It will still make sense more than this movie did--and the lucky pants that got to touch LC’s naughty areas died in bliss.

Leaving Louis-Cesare staring in dismay. “Shoot,” The sophomore/junior/ageless protagonist dismayed, “Good thing I have my back up pants.” Rifling through his closet, he soon found that he had spoken too soon. “WHERE ARE MY BACK UP PANTS!”

Radu poked his head in, oddly enough with his hair wrapped in a hair towel. “At the dry cleaners.”

“Why would I dry clean my pants the day before school? And why do school uniforms need to be dry cleaned? It’s not like it’s women’s business casual clothes.” He threw his pants down.

“What about your back up back up pants?”

“What are those?”

“An exaggerated way of saying all your other pants I guess. I didn’t write this dialogue.”

“Well, I imagine they are probably being dry cleaned as well. I have no pants. What else can I do?”

“Maybe Gunther has something you can borrow.” 

Thus, LC runs into Radu’s room and hunts down the only thing that will fit both his shapely waist and thicc thighs: Gunther’s school girl pleated skirt.

“Maybe some tights will keep your tighty whities from showing?” Radu observed mildly.

“No time! My best friend is probably outside being impatient and unsupportive because that’s just how us besties roll.” With that, LC ran out, thankful his legs were at least not vampire pale.


	2. Chapter 2

Radu watches LC run out the door in Gunther's role playing skirt. “Oh dear.”

“Yes honey?” Gunther pokes his head into the kitchen wherever it is situated inside of the house. The house, by the way, isn't that large. Dory and Christine's family are the ultra rich ones. Radu is comfortably middle class. Radu kisses him.

“Could you drop off a spare pair of pants to LC during your lunch break? I don't want him to have trouble for his wardrobe.”

“That is weirdly ominous.” Gunther's eyes sparkle in humor over his strange family's mishaps.

Radu thinks he mutters this, but he isn't quiet enough, “Good thing he didn't grab the matching crop top.”

“Oh dear.” Gunther laughs and the cup of coffee that he is holding almost spills. “Is he wearing the plaid skirt or the leopard skirt?”

“Plaid.”

“Good. That one is clean.”

“Ah, good. Good.” Radu pats him on the shoulder as he passes through to some other room. He's more worried over the school population losing their minds over LC's shapely fencing thighs than the sensibilities of the high school.

* * *

 

Outside Christine idles in her bitchin new ride. It's a FAST pink FAST convertible FAST top down  **_FAST_ ** . When she sees LC's outfit she gasps loudly. She raises her sunglasses in emphasis. He rushes into the passenger seat with hands clamping the ends of the skirt.

“I know!” he shrieks before she can say a word. “My uniform pants ripped from my bootylicious body! Everything else was at the dry cleaners! Maybe even our cat that I don't think I've seen in a few days!”

“I would turn around and take you to my home. I have a spare pair of pants that you could fit. At the very least, I have longer skirts. Unfortunately, the plot dictates that we go to school anyway.”

LC nods sadly and they peel away dangerously.

* * *

 

They drive fast-ly to school (A/N: You see what I did there? =P ) and it’s not long before LC and his bestie best friend Claire arrive. Claire parks her precious car among two parking spots--”We’re already both outcasts and core members of these groups so what are they gonna do?”-- and they hop out.

LC likes the wind on his junk , but he does not like all the eyes that stray to him.

“Claire, is it just me, or is everyone, like, looking this way?”

Claire doesn’t even look. “Probably staring, you look kinda slutty, you know.”

“I expected better from you, Claire, in this our year of our Lord two thousand nineteen. What’s next, you’ll slut shame me if I happen to sleep with someone you disapprove of?” LC asks.

“Well of course, slut shaming someone, especially a girl, is the quickest and laziest way to add drama to the story, duh.”

LC frowns, then shrugs. “Well, I mean, if it leads to a wattpad-turned-netflix-movie success story, then I guess it’s perfectly acceptable.” Our protagonist does his best to tug his skirt down without ripping it like he did his pants. Sometimes he forgets how much strength he has. “How far away did we park anyways? And why are there random old people here?”

“Those are our classmates. We were desperate for background characters. Oh hey look, it’s the greeter from walmart!” They wave. The greeter waves back, almost dislocating their fragile wrist as they use their walker to get to class.

“Yo, LC, my anaconda called! You’ve got buns, hun!”

"Hey hey hey, boy, looking good LC!”

Only a few brave souls call out, but LC and Claire can tell they are whispering as they make their way to the doors. Just before they reach the entrance, Jonathan, a senior, makes his move. Moving quickly, he darts behind LC and lifts the skirt, and a soft but solid smack is heard.

Claire backs away, eyes round, leaving LC to stand in shock.

“Hey, Louis-Cesare, wanna know what’s up?” Jonathan murmurs creepily from behind him.

From out of nowhere, Dory tackles Jonathan the way some people---not our intrepid heroes, though-- tackle their problems: straightforward, with a fierce and swift plan to knock them out.

Someone screams. LC stands, still processing. He wonders where in his life this moment would fall, and what the odds are of him repressing this memory. It takes him several moments to realize the fight behind him, moments Dory uses to beat Jonathan down, give him a wedgie, and torture him with his own armpit hair.

Claire nudges him. “Do something!”

LC doesn’t question her--she’s only Dory’s sister and he’s just her little sister’s best friend so obviously he’s the one who needs to sort this out--and moves forward, trying to pull Dory off of the other senior. The motion of their fight lifts his skirt and he blushes, holding it down, ignoring the whistles and deciding mentally to never trust dry cleaners again.

“What is going on here!?” The vice principal, Mr. Caleb, came running out. “Dory! Jonathan! Louis-Cesare! Office, now!!!”

_ Why me _ , Louis-Cesare groans, picking up his backpack and following the scuffled students inside. Claire waves at him and goes to her locker.

 

What else are besties for?


	3. Chapter 3

Gunther arrives at the high school during his lunch break like he promised. No one had called him about Louis-Cesare's new two weeks of detention. It was only a small surprise to learn about it, considering. No one in high school can wear a skirt without getting smacked in the ass and no one can smack an ass without being tackled by Dory.

Or so Gunther hears.

Gunther has been watching LC and Dory flirt for years. They flirted with their eyes as three year olds. They flirted by racing each other around the neighborhood as nine year olds. Now they are both nearly grown up and Dory is always hanging around her little sister instead of her football friends. Again, don't worry about their ages. Gunther knows that LC and Christlaire... Clairestine have been driving to school since she was gifted her fancy fast car fast. They would have arrived at different times and different places than Dory. Why was she there to defend LC?

Exactly.

Fortunately, Mr. Caleb Carter is a good principal. LC is a normal boy who doesn’t get into trouble, but Radu, Gunther, and Elena talk. Dory is a relatively normal girl with not normal dhampir rage issues. Mr. Caleb Carter understands the punishment should fit the crime and has given Dory a full month of detention. Dory and Claire's parents may be able to bribe the amount down. Good men still need to maintain to exuberant pottery club budget. Why is dirt so expensive?

After the long wait in the office, LC is able to recieve his pants and change into them in the nearest restroom. Something fluttered to the ground. LC's dry cleaned pair of pants came with a note: “Next time, be late to school. --We love you.” He smiles and nods at no one. Luckily he still has these two in his life after the traumatic death of his other parent of a still uncertain gender.

Anyway high school classes are boring so we're skipping to the first detention. And then most likely skipping all proceeding detentions or dropping them completely.

Although Jonathan, Dory, and LC do not get along, they have to go to detention together. They can't speak or be disruptive. The air in the room is still volatile. The other nameless older students are hunkering down in their seats as low as they can go without losing their cool cred. Losers don't get detention, afterall.

Jonathan aims a small paper ball at LC's head while he digs in his bag for his algebra ii homework. Dory is five rows away and her glare is hard enough to set the desks on fire. As Jonathan is a necromancer and Dory a dhampir, the one who would be most harmed by this hyperbolic situation is LC. Oh, and the normal human delinquents. Thank goodness it didn't actually happen. Can you imagine? The scent of burning flesh is a nightmare to remove from clothing. Not to mention Jonathan is a necromancer!

Only fuckbois like necromancers think throwing things is flirting.

The two students between them duck. To avoid the aforementioned fiery glare. The handsome senior sitting two seats behind LC sees his skirt peek out of his bag and formulates a plan.

_ How do I get the attention of Louis-Cesare? _ this nameless senior thinks in italics.  _ I am very attracted to his shapely legs and the sound of a hand smacking his ass. I know that doing so in public and without consent is wrong. I'm not a terrible nameless character. I enjoyed hearing it nonetheless. Should I be doing some constructive work for my English class? Or I could… _

Fuck it let's give him a name. Mac.

Mac stops his tattoo doodles and proceeds to enact his plan--

“Whoooohooo, whatcha got there, LC?” Quick as a thing that shares a name with a CW red clad super hero, the handsome, impulsive senior has snatched the underwear out of the unfortunate protagonist’s bag and waves it around.

Louis-Cesare contemplates changing schools. As Jonathan leers at him, he decides that burning this one down might be a fun idea.

Mac stretches the underwear out to look at them, then lowers them to his hips. “Hi, my name is Louis-Cesare, I have buns of steel and no shame~”

Jonathan says something filthy and suddenly Dory has him in a headlock, the rest of the room is hooting, and Mac wiggles his eyebrows at LC.

Standing, LC grabs his bag and says, in his frostiest tone, “If you had wanted to get into my panties, you could have just asked.”

Then he exits, like the bad ass boss bitch he is.

~*~*~~*~*~*~*~~*~*~linebreak

* * *

 

 

“So, how was detention.”

“No talk, only dance.”

LC doesn’t wait for Claire to get on the arcade game before he has the money inserted and the song picked. Striking a pose, he waits for the music to start and then his legs move, and each step thrusts his hips just so.

Claire rolls her eyes, her movements simple in contrast. “It must have been bad, I haven’t seen you this extra since that whole waffle fiasco.”

Mid movement, LC’s finger sharply points at her. “WE DO NOT DISCUSS THE WAFFLE INCIDENT.”

“Fine, fine. Can we discuss the club we are somehow already promising things for on the first day because that’s totally how schools function?”

“You’re my best friend for reasons, mainly conveneince since we are neighbors and also the same age, which is surprisingly how life is for many people, but I swear you need to just shut up and dance.” As the last word left his mouth and the song’s final note lingered, LC struck the flashdance finale.

Due to the writer’s bad memory, the narrative from this point may or may not be on brand with the movie, but it honestly doesn’t matter.

Clapping was heard, and the duo turned to see Mac smiling at them. “Hey there!”

Claire was confused. “Mac?  What are you doing here? Isn’t football practice today?”

“Practice on the first day? What kind of weird school would do that?”

Thinking about it, she shrugged. “Good point. What’s up?”

“Actually, I was hoping to talk to you for a minute, LC.”

Making up some excuse about water and delicate bladders, Claire wandered off. LC wasn’t sure whether to feel betrayed or comforted.

“What do you want?”

Mac stuck his hands in his jacket pocket. “I’m sorry about earlier. It was a dick move.”

LC nodded.

“Anyways, I uhm, I thought I’d follow your advice.”

“What advice?”

“About asking you.”

Awkward teenagers are always awkward in arcades. Our story was no exception.

Mac let out a nervous huffing laugh. “I’m trying to ask you out. On a date. With me.”

To say the vampire teenager was flummoxed was an understatement. “You are? Oh. I mean, okay! Yeah, sure.”

Mac grinned. “Awesome! I’ll call you later to get details hashed out.”

LC watched him leave. Day one had been very eventful. If the whole year was like this, he didn’t think he would survive.


End file.
